Unless you've been constantly protesting at state capitals over their social distancing restrictions you probably have heard that President Trump on Thursday seemed to indicate that ingesting and/or injecting disinfectants just might "clean" people of the Corona Virus. ConlinSense was intrigued so we asked for and were granted an interview with The President.
President Trump: Welcome. What news group are you with again?
ConlinSense: We are an independent "news" group that actually reports fake news.
PT: Got it...and thank you for being so honest in your own fake kind of way. What can I do for you? Or should I say.. what CAN'T I do for you...Can't...no one has done so much with basically...everything...no one...
CS: Well...we'd love to know more about that whole inject your self with disinfectant comment...
PT: Oh that...this surprises me frankly...I mean no one else thought of it? Look if it can clean surfaces like counter tops...toilets, is there anything dirtier really...then why not humans? I know there are some really dirty humans but most don't really compare with a toilet...a few maybe. I have been told by many people smart people...these are big... smart people.........really big. They have told me there are surfaces inside the body so...why NOT? What do we have to lose? No one has tried it which I find ...a little crazy...you have this cleaner this really good cleaner ...doesn't smell great but it CLEANS...no one has tried it. I say TRY it. Try it....
CS: OK....any concerns with the fact that it could burn the insides of a human and kill them?
PT: You are fake news! NO one has tried this so how do we know that could happen...plus maybe a few react badly but others react less bad...less bad...good...who is your boss??
CS: I'm the boss...
PT: Well I would fire you if you worked for me but you don't and you never will....how's THAT feel.
CS: Like I just cured Corona Virus...let's move on...are there other products that you feel could help with Covid-19?
PT: Of course and this is what is just so strange..we have so many different products and no one is using them...take those tiny marshmallows you get in hot cocoa...we grow them on these farms and all we do is put them in hot cocoa? We would be able to get rid of so many of these marshmallow subsidies by using them against the Corona Virus which came from a country I will not name...but it rhymes with China!
CS:Mini Marshmallows...grown on a farm...?
PT: Many farms...one of our biggest farm subsidies to be honest with you. Anyway, so you take these freshly grown marshmallows and you stick them in your nose and ears...just like that you stopped the virus from getting in...and now you stay healthy and don't need a mask! Everyone tells me we don't have enough masks...but we have sooo many tiny marshmallows...so many. In this case I think tiny is BIG.
CS: Ok....what about the eyes and ears?
PT: Bigger Marshmallows....BIGGER Marshmallows...you've seen them...we grow those too...some are imported from well from some other place but they could be used too...tiny and big we have them.
CS: Still wrestling with the disinfectant issue to be honest...
PT: Really...we have other items that I am sure we could put to good use if anyone in the scientific or "Medical" community would be more open minded...like WD-40...works great on creaky hinges...those hinges are old...many people who get sick, very sick, deathly sick... are old...old hinges, old people...WD-40 fixes old hinges so why not old people? Makes perfect sense...perfect sense.This is really so simple...
CS: Are you upset with Georgia for opening too early...you said you were pleased then seemed to walk that back...
PT: Georgia can do what Georgia wants to...as long as I say it's OK. I said OK and then I didn't and now here we are! You know what they have down there that they aren't using...do you? I didn't think so...Pine trees...they, I am told it may be true not sure yet but it seems like they have an excess of pine trees...pine trees! Now we know that sunlight cures CV-19...cures it in like a second. So its pretty clear to me...southern state...LOTS of sun...too many trees. Cut them down!! No shade...sun. CV-19 cures all over the state...a beautiful thing. Sure, some people will be sunburned but the other choice? Its a bad one...bad....plus with all those trees why not use them to make a fence or a wall to stop the virus...make a big giant bonfire. People love bonfires...viruses? Not sure not sure but people...people love a good bonfire and cures! This is what I find most frustrating...simple everyday solutions and instead we want to test all kinds of ideas...many ideas instead of using them now!
CS: Speaking of testing...are we going to be testing more people?
PT: That's a state issue even local but with the schools closed I would guess most kids are not taking a lot of tests...
CS: Any regrets so far in terms of how you have handled this crisis?
PT: That's a nasty question but I will answer it because I do have one regret...I was asked a few weeks ago how I would rate myself on a scale...people like to use scales...not me but sometimes you have to...scale of 1-10. I said 10....
CS: Kind of over reached there?
PT: No UNDER! I'd say 12 or... even 19...yes 19...
CS: Thanks for your time today Mr. President.
PT: Anytime...watch out for those mouse traps by the door...we've repurposed them to snap up the virus...nobody sick here...think about it...
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