Washington D.C.
As The United States quickly emerged as the new epicenter of the Corona Virus crisis, aides at The White House quietly developed a plan that appears to be showing some early signs of success...the idea...keeping The President "busy."
The strategy, code named "Trump Understands Rudimentary Details" or TURD has a multi-pronged approach. It was developed by a group of back office aides. CS recently conducted an interview with the group....we used the TURD acronym to protect their identity.
CS: Tell us when did this effort begin?
TURD: Um...you mean the idea of keeping The President busy and out of the way?
CS: Yes...
TURD: About a week before the inauguration...
CS: That early? Wow...what made you decide to put this strategy in place?
TURD: You've seen and heard the guy right?
CS: Got it. Tell us...the plan seems to have been ramped up with the CV crisis...is that true?
TURD: It is true. We have had to go into a whole new level of planning. You see before all of the restrictions we could create a number of situations that we deemed "Presidential" and "Essential." Things like traveling south every weekend to get "Exercise" by playing golf at his resort or...taking a motorcade trip to KFC to "be" with the people. He loved it but then he discovered his rallies and things went off the rails for awhile. He would come back really wired and would try to do things like hold lunch meetings and issue orders...when the rallies stopped he kept holding those meetings.There was only so much fast food we could eat so eventually the crisis upped our need to redouble our efforts...
CS: Can you elaborate?
TURD: Sure...the guy gets bored faster than a 12 week old puppy with no chewy toys so without being able to fly around in Air Force One, cheat at Golf or go to fast food restaurants he started wandering the halls interrupting crucial meetings. He talks about how we had no idea this Pandemic was coming but the truth is we were working on it behind the scenes and then suddenly Pence tells him to stop traveling...it all unraveled from there...because we had no idea he was coming.
CS: You mean things were being handled that might have limited this crisis?
TURD: We think so...but once he had nothing else to do he jumped in with both bone spur filled feet...at that point he really started gumming up the gears...
CS: Like How?
TURD: He has what he calls "Ideas...really brilliant ideas, the kind you wished you had but know only Trump could develop" They suck but we had to listen and at least pretend to try. For instance, he wanted us to look into moving everyone who had not voted for him to Alaska and encourage them to take cruises...everyone else could stay four nights at a Trump property and get 10% off a MAGA hat.
Another idea he floated was using Congressional Democrats as vaccine guinea pigs. By far the most concerning was when he wanted Dr. Fauci to proclaim the whole thing an April Fool's joke created by the Chinese...on March 15th."
CS: Can you share any elements of the plan?
TURD: A few...first we make sure his TV is set to turn on promptly at 6AM. TV calms him like classical music calms wild animals....as long as it is on Fox News or Antiques Roadshow...he loves that show. We then deliver his "Fact" sheets right after he finishes his meat lovers omelette and six silver dollar pancake with sausage breakfast. The "Fact" sheets are simply lists of random materials with numbers next to them.
He uses these for his daily briefings...you know how it goes..."We have delivered millions of masks, items and things...many many millions...q-tips, band-aids, tacks, razor blades, orange plastic wine glasses, decorative surf boards, pieces of aluminum foil, those multi-colored Christmas Lights....but the new LED kind that no one wants not the true old school kind...flexible flyers, lots of Lulu Lemon things and other useful items...many items.
I think there were some gogurt packets but we are verifying. Garanimals...those cute little matching animal clothes. Many people call me the UPS or Fed-Ex President... perhaps some of you do too...they call me that because I have personally delivered these millions of items.. Some may be useful, others are just fun....I know many people do or at least think they will be...we don't know yet if these will be needed but we think they will at least be looked at...incredible I know. Nobody has delivered so many millions of useless items like we have..."
CS: That explains a lot...any other efforts you have deployed?
TURD: Two. Both are in the running for our favorite...First we threw out the idea of having Trump create a "Dream Team" of Advisers...man he just ran with that...we had some suggestions but he didn't need any...as you know he started with A-Rod and quickly called in The My Pillow guy.
CS: Anyone else he might add to this "Dream Team?"
TURD: Yes...be on the lookout for The Kool-Aid mascot, Paula Dean, Emeril... we know he reached out for Joe Exotic...there is a "dancer" in South Carolina...
CS: You said there were two ideas...?
TURD: Well, we rejected the idea of having him do a weekly Oval Office Broadcast with no media coverage of any kind...that would have been a great idea on March 13 when he managed to cause all professional sports to come to a halt but yes...
Remember how he wanted his name on all the checks that will be sent out to those who make under $100,000? Well you should see the stacks of boxes in the oval office...we've brought in extra pens and have KFC, McDonald's and every Pizza delivery option on call..."
CS: Before we go, any words of advice?
TURD: We'll get through this...just don't panic when you see his briefings over the next few weeks. Know that when he leaves that podium there is a team out their fully focused on making sure the TURD doesn't go anywhere...
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