Thursday, July 31, 2014

State Department: “McDonald’s To Blame for International Turmoil”

The United States has been taking hits to its reputation when it comes to International Relations recently but late yesterday The State Department and The White House Issued a joint statement placing blame squarely on who they claim is the real culprit…McDonald’s.

Recently the fast food giant has hit some bumps in the international market with a meat and poultry supplier fiasco in Asia and a calorie scandal in Russia. In Israel the region’s largest franchisee in June refused to open a restaurant in the West Bank and according to The Department of State and The White House, these events “Clearly explain why everyone no longer trusts us and provides a clear explanation of why so much of the International Community is behaving in such an irrational way.”

In China, the supplier scandal has effectively left McDonald’s without key items on its menu leaving customers frustrated and the government looking for answers. To their credit, McDonald’s is not taking the situation lightly reacting quickly in China and at home.  

McDonald’s spokesman Charles Rivley: “We are clearly not happy that our customers are unable to eat their favorite items at our restaurants in China and other parts of Asia. They have come to expect that we will provide safe, healthy food (when compared to back alley food stands). While we feverishly work on our supplier issue we continue to offer a wide variety of other products including our recent hit The Chairman Mao McKitten sandwich”. Sales of the “McKitty”, as locals call it, have been brisk and are now sure to pass sales of Chicken McNuggets given the shortage of, well…edible chickens or at least their parts. In the US, McDonalds responded to the joint statement saying simply, “It will be interesting to see if Joe Biden is able to find any Happy Meals in D.C. going forward.

In Russia, the government has investigated and threatened to sue McDonald’s for serving food that is higher in calories than allowed in Russia. Also, it appears the Russian President himself has a complaint with the US Food Purveyor who denies using the same supplier in Russia as in China. Vladimir Putin: “The calorie countesses are too biggie. Is violation of international eaters rulers. Also, the Ronnie McNuoogies gives me the crappies.”

 According to an illegally obtained transcript from the NSA, Putin has an entourage that stays “very close” to the President. The US joint statement today seemed to tie Putin’s problem with McDonald’s with the recent tragedy of the Malaysian jet that was recently shot down over the Ukraine. The Transcript indicates Putin rushing to a rest room in the Kremlin with his entourage in hot pursuit where he can be heard yelling “Pozharnaya o moy bog ognya” which when translated to English means, ‘Fire, Fire…oh my God Fire!!” The US joint statement stated: “It is clear McDonald’s holds some level of responsibility after reviewing the transcript. His direction to his entourage was clear.”

In Israel, with the refusal of a franchisee to build a store in the west bank, the US statement stated simply: “McDonald's recent snub to Israel brought back memories of when NBC canceled The Golden Girls in the early 90's...only worse."

The statement went on to further say that when Hamas is unable to get those “Freaking good fries, they too become irrational”. McDonald’s had no comment citing a desire to remain "neutral" in the conflict. But sources say they are considering a joint “humanitarian” effort with and for Hamas which includes unused food from their former supplier in Asia.