Peter Sung Ohr, Regional Director for the National Labor Relations Board (NLRB), finally got his revenge on all those jocks that got all the attention when he was a kid. Ohr, who was born in South Korea, lived in Hawaii for most of his life and who attended two colleges with less than stellar athletic programs is the man who made the ruling today regarding scholarship athletes and unionization. For background, the Football Players at Northwestern University decided they should be able to form a union and petitioned the NLRB for the right to seek an election. Experts and casual fans alike believe that allowing this to happen could effectively be the end of collegiate level sports as we know them. Mr. Ohr today ruled in favor of the players.
Said Ohr, “First of all please accept my apologies for the delay as I had to do an exhaustive study to determine what “Football” players did.” Ohr, who has degrees in Math, Science, Physics and a Masters in “Every stringed instrument” said he was “Appalled” to find out the players were required to exert physical energy “Away from the classroom”. “When I heard they did not attend class while participating in these activities and sometimes even had to compete in temperatures above seventy degrees or even when it was raining, I was shocked. This is not the way people should live life. Mother always taught me that sports were for those people less inclined to succeed in life…and prisoners. That said, these types of people have rights too,” said Ohr, while rolling his eyes.
“I respect that they enjoy their “activities” and that millions of people across your, I mean our great country enjoy following college sports…Heck man…so do I.” He said as he stifled a laugh. “But the simple truth is this; Sports are bad. I mean, people who play sports are bad. No that’s not it…when I was a child practicing piano on bright, brilliant sunshine filled days, I was often distracted by the sound of children wasting time…you know…playing …and I thought to myself how sad they must be out in the fresh air, suffering through forced camaraderie with other children…someday I will fix this. Today is the day.”
Interviews with some of Ohr’s former classmates from grade school show that today’s ruling should have been no surprise. It seems Ohr was often invited to play sports in the neighborhood but often refused. On the rare occasion he did participate he simply tried to make up new, more complicated rules. It was not uncommon for him to try to introduce “tea time and cooking” into such games as stickball and soccer. He led petition efforts to add sixth and seventh days of school but failed to gather any signatures besides his own and his parents. In college he studied sports psychology briefly before realizing the class was not designed to discourage participation.
In a brief statement, Northwestern University said: “We regret that our lousy Football team resorted to these actions; that is trying to form a union. We believe if they would just practice more often that could help them improve. In fact, that is what they are doing right now and neither of us needs a third party to get in the way of their success…we already have plenty of coaches doing that”.
Ohr, who was later seen leaving for a poetry reading, said smugly “I’ll bet every sports fan in America watching QVC right now knows my name.”