Monday, February 3, 2014

Boring Super Bowl, Lackluster Ads Blamed on Christie

February 3, 2014: New Jersey

Sunday night’s Super Bowl failed to live up to all the hype both on and off the field and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie seems to be taking the brunt of the blame. Heavily hyped as a “New York” event, the game was actually played at MetLife stadium in New Jersey and people around the country began to pile on the Governor as the source of the problem.

On the field the Seattle Seahawks soundly defeated the Denver Broncos and off the field the ad competition left many feeling what we have all known for years…commercials really are a great time to grab a beer. Not fifteen seconds into the game, the controversy started as the Broncos snapped the ball past Peyton Manning’s head as he looked to see if he could find his brother Eli in the crowd, resulting in a safety. Seconds later the rumors had begun…at Brooklyn’s (yes really)  a famous Denver watering hole, word began to spread that Christie had “Sent out an executive order prohibiting the use of the word “Omaha” (Manning’s famous audible call) and instead  was requiring everyone (including Manning) to Say Piscataway.  By the end of the evening most in the bar agreed that Christie “Probably was behind the lane closures on The George Washington Bridge” since to them it was clear “Denver couldn’t score because Christie had closed all the passing lanes”.  Throughout the evening Christie’s name came up again and again for having done something wrong…with some even blaming him for “A lack of appropriate winter weather.”

The now famous ad competition failed just as miserably as the game this year…again with Christie taking most of the heat. In Govnr’s Park, another Denver neighborhood haunt, patrons there too targeted Christie. “Throughout history, even when the games have been snoozers, we could always count on the commercials to keep us entertained” said Michael Nearbottom. “Not so this year and it’s that Christie guy’s fault. I hear he controls everything in Jersey…even the housewives”.  By the middle of the second quarter with such yawners as a body deodorant that prevented wars, a truck that helps cattle breed and perhaps the scariest version of Danica Patrick ever recorded, social media erupted with a collective chorus of boos and critiques, most aimed relentlessly at the Governor. But when Christie was blamed for Richard Sherman’s ankle injury he had clearly had enough. In a statement released by the Governor’s office he had this to say:

“In the past few weeks I have been the target of a left wing conspiracy to upend my Presidential ambitions. Yes, there is some remote level of truth that my office was involved in the GW Bridge Lane Closures but I was not involved in the outcome of Sunday night’s game, the fur selection of Joe Namath or even that stupid rodent that sees his shadow and brings on more ridiculously bad winter weather. With respect to Richard Sherman’s leg injury…I am offended and outraged that people think me or anyone in my office had anything to do with this. Clearly had we been involved he would not have walked off the field.”

Even when Christie did nothing at all he was still the target of fans ire. Said one Seattle fan after the halftime show…”I wish he had closed the lanes on the bridges again so those Chili Peppers would have been stuck in traffic…”