January
28, 2014 - London
According
to the UK Treasury, the British Royal Family is nearly out of money. In a
statement released today, the Exchequer announced that the Royals had spent
98.11% of their annual taxpayer allotment of 53 Million Pounds, nearly making
them ironic members of the 1 percent club. Typically the Royal's funding has more
than met their various needs which include staff salaries, upkeep on their
numerous Castles, smaller Estates, and Travel.
The
Royals have been tightening their proverbial belts the past couple of years as
the Queen alluded to earlier this year: "We too have had to sacrifice in
these uncertain economic times...we continue to skimp by with virtually no
increase in our annual allotment!" An
investigation however revealed a troubling trend. Prince Charles, it seems, has
not been such a team player. Apparently back in 2010, when all of the Royal
Residences were upgraded to WiFi, Charles became quite the internet surfer.
Tales of him locked in his Royal Suite for hours at a time, stopping only for
hot cocoa or foot massages, especially when Camilla was off on "A Girls
Holiday", led some to speculate that Charles had a mistress. The truth was
much more scandalous.
Days
after the trip, upon her return, Camilla was met at the front door by the
London Agent for the International UPS Division. Seems Charles had three trucks
arriving full of on-line purchases. Everything from clothing and polo equipment
(The purchase of a prized Arabian horse was quickly cancelled by Charles and
not delivered) to bullet juicers, Ronco Chicken Roasters and scores of George
Foreman Grills were en route. According to Charles, "It may seem like a
bunch of rubbish to the everyday bloke but we have a number of residences with
kitchens and closets to fill...plus it's just so damned simple really isn't
it?"
The
Queen has promised immediate action on all spending fronts announcing the
following Measures: "Effective immediately we will limit family travel to
just once per month...unless we have official business to conduct and can
squeeze in a tropical getaway for a week or fortnight. The Royal fleet will
only use "mid-grade" fuel, the ponies and horses will no longer be
given fresh apples but "day olds" instead (The occasional bruised specimen will
no longer be discarded) and the Royal Yacht can only be used by members of the immediate
family of which there are over one hundred. These measures should demonstrate
to all our understanding of the serious nature of this issue. We, like all citizens of the
U.K. must sacrifice and do more with less. Along those lines we will be holding
our annual Grouse Hunting Tournament closer to Manchester instead of Scotland and
no "third attempts" will be allowed in order to conserve munitions. All
of this will be done in the name of the economy."
When
asked about Charles shopping habits (it is rumored that Amazon's stock dropped
10% on the news of the "cuts") the Queen simply muttered "Yes,
that is a problem we continue to work through. The family appreciates no one
asking what William and Harry have been doing on-line..."
CS
