Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Royals nearly out of money: Down to their last Million, Queen promises "Drastic measures"

January 28, 2014 - London

According to the UK Treasury, the British Royal Family is nearly out of money. In a statement released today, the Exchequer announced that the Royals had spent 98.11% of their annual taxpayer allotment of 53 Million Pounds, nearly making them ironic members of the 1 percent club. Typically the Royal's funding has more than met their various needs which include staff salaries, upkeep on their numerous Castles, smaller Estates, and Travel.

The Royals have been tightening their proverbial belts the past couple of years as the Queen alluded to earlier this year: "We too have had to sacrifice in these uncertain economic times...we continue to skimp by with virtually no increase in our  annual allotment!"  An investigation however revealed a troubling trend. Prince Charles, it seems, has not been such a team player. Apparently back in 2010, when all of the Royal Residences were upgraded to WiFi, Charles became quite the internet surfer. Tales of him locked in his Royal Suite for hours at a time, stopping only for hot cocoa or foot massages, especially when Camilla was off on "A Girls Holiday", led some to speculate that Charles had a mistress. The truth was much more scandalous.

Days after the trip, upon her return, Camilla was met at the front door by the London Agent for the International UPS Division. Seems Charles had three trucks arriving full of on-line purchases. Everything from clothing and polo equipment (The purchase of a prized Arabian horse was quickly cancelled by Charles and not delivered) to bullet juicers, Ronco Chicken Roasters and scores of George Foreman Grills were en route. According to Charles, "It may seem like a bunch of rubbish to the everyday bloke but we have a number of residences with kitchens and closets to it's just so damned simple really isn't it?"

The Queen has promised immediate action on all spending fronts announcing the following Measures: "Effective immediately we will limit family travel to just once per month...unless we have official business to conduct and can squeeze in a tropical getaway for a week or fortnight. The Royal fleet will only use "mid-grade" fuel, the ponies and horses will no longer be given fresh apples but "day olds" instead (The occasional bruised specimen will no longer be discarded) and the Royal Yacht can only be used by members of the immediate family of which there are over one hundred. These measures should demonstrate to all our understanding of the serious nature of this issue. We, like all citizens of the U.K. must sacrifice and do more with less. Along those lines we will be holding our annual Grouse Hunting Tournament closer to Manchester instead of Scotland and no "third attempts" will be allowed in order to conserve munitions. All of this will be done in the name of the economy."

When asked about Charles shopping habits (it is rumored that Amazon's stock dropped 10% on the news of the "cuts") the Queen simply muttered "Yes, that is a problem we continue to work through. The family appreciates no one asking what William and Harry have been doing on-line..."